The Incorrigible Night Owl

October 2, 2004

As a matter of fact, he IS all that and a bag of chips

As a public service, The Incorrigible Night Owl will now present a brief symposium on "How to Score Brownie Points with Your Wife."

1) When she calls you on your cell phone as you are driving home from work and sighs, "Oh, I was just wondering if you were going anywhere..." take the hint and ask if you can go get her something to eat, even though you've just pulled into the driveway, it's 11 p.m. and you've been at work all day.

2) Wait patiently while said wife hems and haws for five minutes as you sit there with the car idling before she finally lets you off the hook and says, "Nah, don't worry about it," and you're allowed to come inside.

3) Watch the kids. A lot. Anytime she asks. Claim you have fun doing it.

4) Despite this claim, assure her you believe she has the much harder job between the two of you, staying home with them all day.

5) Don't just give kisses to your daughter -- kiss your baby boy, too. Cuddle him. Don't freak out when she buys the kid a doll. Chuckle and reminisce that you used to play Barbies with one of your little female pals.

6) Take the time, even though you're running late, to roll down the car window and sit in the driveway for a few minutes playing "I Spy" with the 4-year-old.

7) For her birthday, set her up with a massage therapy package at an establishment in the city. Package should include the following: hot stone and aromatherapy massage, Japanese foot massage, Japanese facial massage and aromatherapy scalp massage.

8) Then, as if that's not enough, suggest she make a trip of it and stay overnight to get some extra sleep. Cheer the fact that the restaurant had a good weekend and say things like, "You're gonna do really well on this trip! Make sure to take your checkbook!" Sound genuinely happy she gets to go and not the least bit jealous or restentful. Tell her she needs the break.

9)Acknowledge and accept that she will likely spend at least half her budget in Gymboree on yet more clothing for the children, who are already in the running for the Oklahoma's Biggest Wardrobe Award, junior division.

10) Don't bring up the fact that people who can barely scrape together the house payment should probably not be buying their children's clothing at Gymboree. She has GymBucks, dammit! She can get $150-worth of clothing for $75!

11) Also don't bring up the fact that said people should probably not be spending money on a hotel, restaurant meals and assorted other shopping. Hey, she wanted to go to Disneyland for her 30th birthday. This is, like, WAY cheaper. Gymboree and all.

Now, if there are more than five or ten other men out there who would do every last thing on that list, I'll eat my hat. I know a keeper when I see one. Too bad the poor guy gets me in return!