The Incorrigible Night Owl

February 12, 2005


I'm tired of being by myself.

No, I don't mean that I no longer relish my "me" time. Nor do I mean that I no longer wish to go to the movies, or out to eat, or shopping by myself. I still love to do that. Mary without alone time does not a happy camper make.

I'm just tired of having no one here to be friends with. It took me 7 years, SEVEN YEARS, to finally make one friend in town. We just started hanging out regularly in the past year. And now she is moving away in a few months.

I am not a social person, by any means. I don't enjoy social situations (with people I don't know); I don't do small talk very well; I don't need an entourage in order to function. But damn, even I would like someone to spend time with once in a while. I'm a pretty easy person to get along with and I don't smother my friends with too much attention.

I understand that a lot of the issue lies with me. I am not the world's easiest person to get to know. I mean, my own husband confessed that he reads my blog to find out what's happening with me because I will write about things I won't talk about. So, yes, there is probably more I could be doing to remedy this than whining about it in my blog.

Still, though, it does make one wonder what qualities one posesses to make potential friends run screaming in the opposite direction. Okay, I'm weird. I know I am. And I won't be changing anytime soon. But I'm really not so bad underneath it all. I'm not the world's most attractive person -- but I'm only interested in lunch and a movie, not a long-term romance. Maybe people see how quiet/shy/reserved I am and think I'm dumb, or have nothing to offer. I don't know. I could go on speculating for days.

It took me a long time to reach this point. The first seven years or so that I lived in OK I was totally happy with the way things were. I got my "friend time" in when I visited California and then I was fine to have no one the rest of the time. But it's finally caught up with me. It's the little stuff I miss. Just hanging out at someone's house, or having them at mine, for an hour or so. An occasional phone call that isn't from a bill collector or the restaurant. Someone to ride along with me on one of my trips up to the city for something silly like shopping at Gymboree.

I'm just tired, that's all...tired and frustrated and clueless about what to do -- if anything. I used to think I didn't need anybody, but it's not true. Or maybe I didn't used to but now that I'm getting older, I do. I need some friends. And I don't know what to do about it.