The Incorrigible Night Owl

February 17, 2005

Sorry we are closed

It has come to my attention that an inordinate number of the authors of the blogs I read regularly have turned up pregnant in the past several months. Not to mention a mild outbreak on the parenting website with which I am heavily invovled.

This concerns me.

It especially concerns me because, from what I have been able to ascertain, a considerable majority of these impending new arrivals were of the "happy surprise" variety. I had a happy surprise once. His name is John Zachary.

He's my little sweetie-pie, don't get me wrong -- but if another one were to occur...well, does Motherhood Maternity make straighjackets? I hope so, because A Pea in the Pod is just way too pricey.

At this point, going underground seems like both a viable and desirable course of action. Or maybe a fallout shelter would do the trick -- they have quite a few around town here. Anything to avoid breathing in the fumes, drinking the water, being assaulted by rogue sperm...whatever it is that's causing all this.

So, anyway, if I suddenly disappear it's because I've made a break for the hills. Please, someone come and feed my cats for me while I'm gone, and pick up the mail. I will return when the tidal wave of procreation has receded. Because my spawning days are over. This salmon has swum upstream for the last time. The fat lady has sung. The uterus is closed for business. I'm thinking of hiring a security guard.